and just like that... life will never be the same

yesterday was possibly one of the worst days of my life.

Paul went out for a bike ride and took nearly 3 hours to come home - i was beside myself with worry as he's never usually gone any longer than 1.5hrs. turns out he'd got 2 punctures throughout the ride, but it had been so long and with no reply to my texts, I was starting to freak every time i heard a car thinking it would be the police coming to tell me he'd been in an accident or something.

by the time he got home i was so relieved but so amazingly angry at the same time.

I ended up going for a walk to clear my head, 3.5miles in an hour flat, which isn't bad considering it's all hills around here and it was still really really warm.

I got home at 8 and within seconds of being in the door, the phone began ringing, it was my parents, I instantly knew something was up as they rarely phone me, i'm the one who phones them.

it was my mum, and again by the tone of her voice I could instantly tell something was up.

mum had gone for tests for post-menopausal bleeding back in november, had received the all-clear and told it was just polyps, which she had removed. seemingly the bleeding returned so mum was off to the docs again, who sent her for CTs, MRIs, the works.

she's got endometrial cancer.

prognosis is very good, she's going in for a full hysterectomy (plus surrounding lymph glands) next weds, she'll be in for about 5 days and then she's going on a 5 week course of radiotherapy. from what she said, they are confident the cancer is contained to the uterus and are just doing the radiotherapy as a precaution.

mum seems very positive about it all, which is good.

I'm still trying to get my head around it though.

after we hung up, I text a few people, I even text Paul because I just knew I wouldn't be able to say the words without totally breaking down.

Paul's dad has offered to watch the boys if we want to go down to London, but I said I didn't want to - my reason being if I go down I'm not going to want to come back up until she's through the other side of this, and mum wouldn't want me to jeopardise uni because of this.

Lyna tried to phone, but my phone was on the verge of dying, i had less than 1% battery, so it was in the other room charging when she called. but to be honest I don't think I could have answered anyway- i think i probably would have just instantly broken down.
even now I don't think I'm ready to actually talk about it yet - typing is fine, I can distance myself from the emotions when I'm typing.... but I've been avoiding actual people contact as much as possible - i think it's coz if I don't have to make myself look people in the eye and say the words, i can kinda convince myself that this isn't really happening. yes I'm in denial, but at least I know I am (wow, those boring psychology lectures did come in useful afterall...)

I'm fortunate I'm not in uni until friday - I can just hide away in my own little bubble until then. I'm reasonably confident I can just go in, get this ESC done and get out without too much drama. Zumba will be harder, but i feel i still need to go - i need it for me: for my health and keeping my life, and i need it for the distraction. I was considering going tonight for the distraction, but I know I'm totally not ready to face people yet.