today we were through in Livingston for Paul's work's family fun day, they're a big american company so they really go for all that sort of stuff, it was good, but not anything to write home about.
on the way back we did a tour of houses the boys have lived in, including through in Livingston, Wishaw and Stonehouse.
Caelan was born when we lived in Stonehouse, I loved living there, the village is wonderful, but we were rapidly outgrowing our small 3 bed semi and there wasn't anything more local that suited our requirements that we could afford.
we had a massive back garden, it really was huge, we had a good 4m x 7m decking outside the back door and that didn't even put a dent into the garden.
i regailed Caelan with stories of water fights we would have in the garden (usually me trapping Kieren in the top corner and attacking him with the hose!!), how we spent SO much time out there playing with the dog, with the tents....
and then Caelan said "why do we not do that now? life is boring now, all i do is go to school, come home and go on my computer or watch tv"
of course that's not his life every day... but unfortunately that is his life for a lot of it...
life was a lot simpler back then, I had a 9-5 nursery job which was only a couple of miles away, Paul worked from home, the boys attended a wee school just 200m down the road... we didn't have anything that ate into our precious family time.
now if i'm not at uni/on placement, i'm studying, or travelling, and if i'm not doing any of those then i'm usually sitting with my brain oozing out of my ears really not in any functionable state to do anything other than drool.
it's suddenly made me feel very guilty for wanting to better myself, which i know is stupid, but it was so saddening to hear him say what he did. i have realised that things have changed a LOT over recent years, and me being in Uni has been accounted for a lot of that, but i guess i never realised quite how he actually felt about it all.
really given any choice in the matter i'd be a stay at home mum, i'd go out volunteering during the day but always be there for my kids when they left school, i'd be there to do activities with them, to teach them life skills they wont learn in the classroom, i'd be there to play with them and have spontaneous water fights. instead i'm never in, and when i am i'm so tired all i manage to do is tell them to give me some peace.
god i feel guilty right now.
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