and on to another year at university....

it's been a good while since my last post, life has just been... well... life!

uni is still going well, i didn't do as well as I'd have liked in Tri 1, i think i wildly underestimated how hard getting back into academic writing would be... but i passed, and i passed comfortably. my essay for my research methods module wasn't great, but i did really well in my exam, so it brought my grade up to the mid 60s. i did pretty dismally in my complex needs exam scoring in the mid 50s, but then i knew i wasn't going to do so well as it was an exam- we had to write 4 essays in 3hrs, all fully referenced. it was a bugger of an exam. i'm so glad i passed but i was still disappointed with my mark.

tri 2 was difficult, we had 3 modules on the go as well as being at placement, 3 x 3,000 word essays due in within days of each other... and this was right over the time of my mum's first anniversary.

i recognised right at the beginning of my study leave that with mum's 1st anniversary coming up my head was not in the right place at all, so we decided to go for a wee getaway, it was just to Butlins, but it was enough. we booked it on the Wednesday and went on the Friday. it was just what i needed,  a bit of sun and just getting away from all the crap in my life. when i came back my head was a lot clearer and i was able to blast through my essays.

my optional module essay i lost sleep over (AFTER i handed it in!), it was an adult branch module so totally out of my comfort zone, i really wasn't sure whether what I'd written was what they wanted.

i got 70% for it and got the most glowing feedback i have ever got for any essay ever!

my other essays scored me 60% and 73%  - the latter one completely shocked me as i felt between the 3 that it was the weakest, evidently i wrote something right!

so a few weeks ago we were told about funding being available for students to carry on their studies, either at honours or masters level. full tuition fees paid and continue to get a bursary. I'd found myself leaning towards wanting to work in research and knew that for the best chances for a job in this field, i needed to do the masters. so i applied. i was cautiously optimistic as i knew my grades had been decent but also knew a lot of people applying would have marks better than mine.

so last Friday i went for interview, it was a group interview, of course the first question asked was about your grades and any reasoning for blips (fails, low scores etc), and muggins here got picked to answer first - so i had to tell the whole story of the goings on with mum. i admitted my grades weren't brilliant when mum's diagnosis first came out, i admitted when i returned from my leave my grades weren't as good as I'd have liked - that i had underestimated how hard getting back into academic writing would be ... but i was also able to say how proud i was of myself for scoring so well last trimester despite having mum's 1st anniversary days before the essays were due in, and that had really boosted my confidence in thinking yes i actually can do it!

and just this morning - i got offered a fully funded place on the Master's in Advanced Nursing course!

so... I've got 72 days until i finish placement, 93 days left of my nursing course, 1 essay to go - i officially finish my nursing degree on Friday 6th September, I'll have a week off, and then back to it on Monday 16th - only this time I'll be walking onto campus as a post grad student!

it's not just me on a diet...

... the kids are too

not that they know that *shuuuuuuuuuush!*

I will admit I am one of those parents who show their love by feeding their kids to death. not any more though!

Caelan has always been a solidly built lad, ever since he was born, he's never been one of those really skinny kids - but over recent months he's gone a little bit beyond just being 'solid', and that's my fault. it really hit home when towards the end of P3 (having just turned 8) he was at the stage of not being able to do up his 9-10yrs school trousers. I did a NHS children's BMI calculator and it came out that he was into the overweight category....

so no more meals the size his brothers get, no more piling on the extra chips onto their plates just because I didn't want a bag with only a handful left in, there is more variety, there is more veg, there's wholemeal/ wholegrain/ brown stuff snuck in where I can sneak it in. things are being oven cooked instead of fried.

Caelan is going for walks with the boys when they take the dogs, and we're walking to and from school most days (weather permitting).

and it seems to be working - his trousers now fit nicely and actually have a bit of room in them too! (wish the same could be said for mine!)

meal times are proving to be quite tricky though, because C is on healthy eating/ controlled portions - as is D, but K is skin and bone and could really do with beefing up a bit (he honestly looks like we've not fed him in months! he has an OK appetite and will eat pretty much anything, but his motabolism is through the roof!), so i'm trying to increase the calorific content of K's meals without increasing C's or D's....

the start of the new me, maybe?

well, considering I've done bugger all exercise for nearly a year (yes I know, naughty!), my measurements haven't changed much. OK I'm not as toned as before, but can't have it all...

I'm quite chuffed with that, coz I worked bloody hard to get to this point.

and no I don't know if my weight has changed, as a wise woman once told me to chuck the scales and go by measurements, and I've never looked back! 

I'm really making an effort to eat properly now, to do *some* exercise every day, even if it just walking the boy home from school (it's a 2 mile round trip, including a steep hill, I sweat, so it counts!), I'm yet to re-find my exercise mojo though. there are still some days when all I want to do is sleep because everything just feels all too much, but am hoping once the endorphins start kicking in again it'll all change. in fact today has been the first day in as long as i can remember where I haven't gone back to bed at some point during the day...

we just got a new dog too, Ollie. Ollie is a collie and is only about 6 months old and he has LOADS of energy - quite often this means me being leaped on at 5am... now as pretty much anyone who knows me will tell you, I don't DO mornings, especially over recent weeks when my sleep has been really poor at the best of times due to my anxiety levels and re-occuring nightmares, BUT because he's got so much energy, it means lots of walks, lots of playing chase out the back...

We adopted Ollie from Dogs Trust Glasgow last tuesday. Robbie sadly had to be put to sleep on July 1st as he took a massive seizure and never really recovered. He lost all sensation down his left side and didn't even have basic reflex responses to pain. he was 16, and although that is a mighty fine age for a GSD x Lab and we knew there wasn't long left, it didn't make it any easier having to make that decision. thankfully the vet was able to put him to sleep here, in the comfort of his own home. obviously having to deal with this so soon after losing mum was another emotional blow i really could have done without.

Sophie has spent pretty much her whole life with Robbie and so was really mourning the loss, we knew we had to get another dog before I went back to Uni so she wasn't in the house herself all day. so off after we came back from London over the summer Paul toddled to the rehoming centre and a week later Ollie joined the family. the similarities between Ollie and Robbie are sometimes quite scary - he's even got the same floppy left ear Robbie had, which is something we didn't discover until after we had decided to adopt him...

anyway, going off point.

I went to tesco a couple days ago and bought loads of whole foods (lots of stuff I'm not even sure what to do with!), wholegrain stuff, frozen berries, fresh veggies, salad, soya milk etc and yes, I'm even back onto the green tea (yack yack yack yack!)

now I've been nagged to death about my protein intake, which as a vegetarian is most people's point of concern, and I'll be honest - even though I fob people off and say it's fine, some days (weeks?) my protein intake is shockingly poor - so this has been my real focal point in my diet - and ya know what? actually as long as you eat sensibly then protein intake isn't all that much of an issue

my issue is that recently i've not been eating sensibly, a lot of days I don't have much of an appetite, and the days I do have an appetite all I want to eat is crap - so it's proving to be quite a challenge a) to make myself eat regularly and b) to eat good healthy stuff when I do eat.

I am already feeling better for it, from the inside. now all i need to do is keep it up!

i'm still here

i know it's been ages, but it's been a rough few months.

last october I got the news that my mum's cancer was back, but that it had spread and wasn't curable. that was one weekend i wont forget in a hurry. it was the big Party in Pink Zumbathon in London on the sunday- we even met Beto, it was one of the best and worst weekends of my life.


a hell of lot has gone on since then which is still way too painful to write about, but ultimately she passed away at 3:10am on April 11th, a month before her 61st birthday. she held on for my parents 36th wedding anniversary on the 10th. OK she wasn't conscious, she wasn't aware, but she was still with us.

I am still trying to get my head around it all. I think being a student nurse was both good and bad. on the one hand it meant I could kinda distance myself from the true heartbreakingness (is that even a word?) of the situation and just be there and be as useful as I could be, knowing that ultimately there was nothing i could do that would change the outcome. but on the other hand, it's meant that all the emotions from all those months were being pushed aside and are only just starting to be faced.

My parents had got tickets to the Olympics, mum had been desperate to see Jessica Ennis in the heptathlon and was delighted to get tickets for the first day. So it was decided I would go instead.

that morning I got up bright and early, I had some breakfast and went for a shower, and half way through getting dressed I had a complete and total meltdown, I started crying and I didn't stop for probably 2 hours. I desperately wanted to go and cheer Jessica on for mum, but the guilt just ate me up inside and I just couldn't do it, it just felt so wrong. Kieren ended up going instead.

I've been off of university since November, initially just on a sick line, but then when it became obvious things were moving with mum far quicker than expected i decided to go on time out. that was both an easy and a hard decision to make - I wasn't coping with the workload, my brain was point blank refusing to work, if i'd kept going i would have failed, even my placement picked up on something being up, I tried to go back to placement after my initial 2 weeks sick leave and managed all of half a day... but it meant saying goodbye to an amazing class and quite a few good close friends. these friends have now just celebrated the end of their student days and upcoming graduation, and that's been really hard.

I start back at University Sept 10th, and if I'm totally honest, I am scared out of my mind - I am really eager to get back to some sort of routine, some sort of normality, but I am SO scared that I wont cope, that small things will set me off when on placement, that I wont remember ANYTHING from before. I should be going back to the same team I was with before, I've known them since 1st placement of 1st year, so they know me well and I know they're understanding of the situation- but the anxiety and self-doubt is still there and mounting by the day.

families... who'd 'ave 'em?!

as most of you are aware I have 3 kids.

2 of the 3 are my step sons. they've lived with us full time for over 10 years now. I was 19 when they moved in with us.

they've had zero contact from their birth mother in over 7 years.

i'll be honest, things aren't plain sailing being a step-parent, there's still a lot of association of the "evil step-mother" from fairytales.

it also doesn't help when your step-kids upbringing has been less than ideal.

i have my own opinions about their mother but i'll keep those to myself, but lets just say she was never really a stable member of their family, in any sense of the word.

we've got through a lot over these past 10 years, it's been a long LONG slog, the situations we've faced have sent me into mental breakdown on more than one occasion, they weren't angel children to put it mildly, and the "one day they'll realise" that people were so fond of telling me was of little comfort.

BUT, we kept with it, and now I can very proudly say that they may be pains in the arse, who eat me out of house and home, never stop needing new clothes, never stop needing nagged to do their washing, keep their rooms tidy, take a shower and to "turn that bloody computer down!!" but they're MY pains in the arse!!

Duncan's just passed all of his standards and intermediates and i couldn't be prouder!!! he gets his brains from me, ya know ;)

Kieren has finally found his feet at school and is enjoying going to his ATC which has really helped give him focus and ambition.

and ya know what, they may not be angels, but at least they're not those boys who hang about the streets causing trouble or going out getting girls pregnant!

considering the less than ideal first few years they both had, I am bloody proud of the both of them, and it goes to show it might take a while (read "years and years") but having a crap start in life doesn't have to set in stone the path you'll continue on in life.

the reason behind this post is because today we were supposed to be attend the boys great grandparents diamond wedding anniversary party, their gran and papa are the only members of that side of the family we still have contact with. their gran and papa pretty much raised them before they came to live with us.

last night we found out that their mother would be at the event and a WHOLE load of bad memories came back to the fore. regardless of how it would be delt with, i couldn't see a happy outcome of going to the party. i really didn't sleep last night and had horrid stomach cramps over the worry of the situation, not for myself, but for the psychological damage this could potentially have on the boys.

i always knew that one day they'd maybe want to try and contact their mother, but i want that to be in their own time and on their terms and i felt if we took them to the party knowing she would be there that they wouldn't really have a choice in the matter.

long story short we left it to the boys to decide if they wanted to go, knowing their mother would be there, or to leave it and we'd arrange to take the gran and papa out for a meal next week - they opted for the latter. Duncan has essentially said he wants nothing to do with her. he's now even refering to her by her given name!

we've never made excuses for her when they've asked questions, but at the same time we've never bad mouthed her to them either, we've always said we'd let them make up their own minds.

and now they have. and to be quite honest, i think it's for the best. i'm not saying she's a bad person, but she was never really a positive influence in their lives. we've got through a lot these past 10 years and i really don't want to drag the past back to the present, they're settled now, they're happy.

and at the end of the day, that's all a parent wants for their child.

"mummy, when are you going to get another baby out of your belly?"

this has been a question that Caelan (7) has been asking me a lot lately.

at first i thought possibly a few of his classmates were expecting brothers or sisters soon, but Caelan says not.

then i thought maybe because they'd been doing a topic on 'welcoming a new baby'

but no.

it transpires his reason for asking this is a little more selfish.

at present all the boys have chores to do, they clean their own rooms and en-suite and assist in keeping the family living areas tidy, the older 2 do their own washing and take turns in emptying and stacking the dishwasher. Duncan also has a paper round.

so out it came the other day in the car as to exactly why it is Caelan is after having a baby brother or sister...

he's clicked onto the fact that within the next handful of years both boys will be moving out...

"and when the boys move out i'll have to do ALL the chores ALL BY MYSELF!" he says is exhasperation, throwing his arms in the air "AND i'll have to get a paper round! and that's just not fair!"

"we wont make you do both the boys chores, that wouldn't be fair.... and you don't HAVE to get a paper round, darling" i tell him

"yes I do" he replies " because i'll need to save up for a house and a car"

well... that'd be some paper round if he thinks he's gonna be able to save for a house and car from it, but at least it means he appreciates that you gotta work to get what you want, that stuff doesn't just drop in your lap.

i don't think he'll be getting his wish for a baby sibling... not any time soon anyway!

why I love Zumba Fitness!

as I write this I am onto my 3rd glass of wine, and to say I'm a cheap date is a huge understatement.... so i may well look back at this in the morning and go "oh dear god" - either at the content or at the spelling lol

OK so why I love Zumba

first and foremost I've met some absolutely fanstastic people through Zumba, both as a participant and as an instructor, there are some truely inspirational people out there and i now have to pleasure to say I know them, some I am even able to call my friends.

it gives you a real all natural buzz!
if I'm feeling totally rubbish either physically or emtionally, I know if I can summon up the enegry to get my arse to a Zumba class then those feelings quickly become a distant memory :) i'm not saying if you really are physically exhausted or if you're ill you should push through, you gotta listen to your body and rest when you need to - but if you're just generally feeling 'blah' or a bit 'meh' and are tempted to reach for that chocolate bar then get your backside to a Zumba class and those feelings of 'blah' and 'meh' totally go away :)
Zumba has got me through some hard times this past year, it's been my escape from all my stresses and worries, it's been my hour of the day where nothing has been a concern but following a mad pair of feet on a stage in front of me.
generally speaking Zumba instructors are nuts (and yes i include myself in that!), so you will have a giggle if nothing else :P

you lose inches!
notice I say inches and not weight, although more than likely you will lose weight too - I've been doing Zumba for a year and a half now and I've actually only lost about 6lb but I have dropped 3 dress sizes!! In Zumba you both burn fat and build muscle - but remember, muscle weighs more than fat so it is quite possible to actually gain weight and still lose the inches! go by your measuring tape and how your clothes fit, NOT by what your scales say!
when I started Zumba around my hips/bum I was a whopping 49" at the widest and 46" at narrowest - i am now, at the last i measured, 41" at the widest and 37" at the narrowest :) I went into my old work last week, I've not been there in 2 years, and the first thing one of my old colleagues said when she saw me was "you've lost half your arse!!" - nope, not lost it, left it at Zumba!
i am battling against a couple of hormone imbalance conditions which make it really hard for me to lose weight, even slogging it out at Zumba 4 times a week my loss has been slow, but boy has it been fun!! i have loved every single sweaty moment of it!

you get a confidence boost!
In Zumba it doesn't matter if you've danced all your life or of you've never danced a day in your life, on the Zumba dance floor everyone is equal, as long as you are moving and you are having fun that is all that matters. Zumba routines are specially choreographed so that ANYONE can follow them. everyone can Zumba because however you move is PERFECT :) and PLEASE believe me when I say that no-one is watching or judging you, everyone is far too busy following the instructor to care what anyone else is doing!

Zumba opens up exercise to everyone!
whether you're a fitness nut or completely new to any form of exercise there is a Zumba Fitness class for you! from chair Gold classes for those with very limited mobility through to the body sculpting Zumba Toning, there is a class for everyone to get their grove on to the rhythms we have come to know and love :) I have recently taken some classes for people with learning disabilities and the classes were just fab!
you do NOT need to know how to dance to know how to Zumba!! just follow your instructor and let the music move you! honestly the best advice i can give to any Zumba newbies is to just relax and let the music guide you, a lot of the steps and rhythms are very natural once you let go :) i tend to find i am more likely to trip over my own feet if i am trying too hard, just relax and let the music move you!
you'll find classes will vary from instructor to instructor- uniqueness is celebrated and encouraged both with students and instructors, but i 100% believe that there is a class and instructor out there for everyone!

it opens you up to a whole new world of music and dance!
i had never even heard of Reggaeton, Cumbia or Axe before I started going to Zumba classes, let alone knowing how to move to these rhythms! my music pallet is now so much wider... even if I don't understand what's being said in the music (be assured that Zumba music is clean both in language and in topic no matter what language it's being sung in!)

all in all, I love Zumba! I have loved Zumba from the first class I went to well over a year ago, I love the change it has made to my life, it has boosted my confidence, I've dropped 3 dress sizes, I've made new friends, not to mention the fact I am now fitter than I probably have ever been in my life :)

ZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMBA!!!!